Jay Leno and the Tonight Show

The Tonight Show (NBC)

Writers: Joe Medeiros, Beth Armogida, Anthony Caleca, Jack Coen, Mike Colasuonno, Larry Jacobson, Michael Jann, Wayne Kline, Jon Macks, Andy McElfresh, Dave Rygalski, Steve Ridgeway, Michael Riedel, John Romeo, Peter Sears, Jim Shaughnessy, Beth Sherman, Marvin Silbermintz, Jeffrey Spear and Rob Young

Writers in March 2003

Joe Medeiros, Anthony Caleca, Jack Coen, Mike Colasuonno, Brad Dickson, Dave Hanson, Larry Jacobson, Michael Jann, Wayne Kline, Jon Macks, Andy McElfresh, Michael Riedel, John Romeo, Peter Sears, Jim Shaughnessy, Marvin Silbermintz, Jeffrey Spear and Rob Young

James Douglas Muir Leno

“Well, there’s nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn’t hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don’t tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It’s an easy target.” – James Douglas Muir Leno, Interview with Nikki Finke, LA Weekly.

Anti-French Comments From Monologues

1. Congratulations to Floyd Landis, young man from Pennsylvania, for winning the Tour de France. This is the eighth time in a row an American has gone through France and into Paris. Eighth times! Even the Germans only did it twice.
2. Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. … They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
3. And Starbucks is finally opening a store in France. You know it’s very hard to get an American store over there because the French are very protective of their culture and their customs and their food. It took Starbucks years; in fact they kept Starbucks out longer than they kept Hitler out.
4. France says they may send some help to Iraq now. Boy, France is always quick to lend a hand. I hear they also will be sending some help to Alaska to clean up the Exxon Valdez spill – and if that works they might help get Baby Jessica out of the well.
5. There are reports that France may agree to train Iraqi soldiers. Don’t the Iraqis already know how to surrender?
6. People ask what drives him. I can understand what “drove” Lance Armstrong; if I was an American traveling in France, I’d like to get through that country as fast as I could.
7. Lance Armstrong just won his fifth Tour de France. You know, that means he now has more victories in France than the German army. And the Germans only marched through twice – he did it five times.
8. In the latest tape, bin Laden has called for the destruction of America, opposition to the war in the Middle East and labels our government an evil crusader. Oh, that’s not bin Laden. I’m sorry. That was the president of France.” –
9. French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.” (11/26)
10. it’s no surprise the French won’t help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn’t help us get Germany out of France
11. The Hitler miniseries on CBS, seven nominations. The Napoleon miniseries also got seven nominations. So Hitler is up against Napoleon. Do you realize this could be the first time the French beat the Germans?
12. They say over in France the wine region over there is going through an incredible heat wave, destroying all the crops. The crops are ruined and this has devastated the French economy. Proving once again: Prayer works.
13. The French decided to use Woody Allen because he’s the one guy on the planet who doesn’t frighten them.
14. While President Bush was over there, a lot of protesting. People throwing rocks, breaking windows. Great, now the French start fighting.
15. France has accused the U.S. Of being rude and abusive to them and they’re taking it personally. And remember, every time an American is rude and abusive they’re taking a job away from a Frenchman.
16. How many watched that stupid “Hitler” movie last night on CBS? The guy playing Hitler was so good that during the broadcast French TV viewers actually surrendered.
17. Give you an idea how scary this thing is. Today France surrendered to China.
18. For those of you not familiar with this holiday, Cinco de Mayo celebrates a victory of Mexico over the French army in 1862. Beating the French, who hasn’t done that? I think the piñatas put up more fight than the French.
19. France has asked Iran to allow more thorough international inspections of its nuclear program. And if Iran won’t do it, France is threatening to … you know, ask again.
20. U.N. weapons inspectors said they want to go back into Iraq. And now the fighting is over, so do the French.
21. The leaders of Russia, France and Germany – or, as I call them, the “axis of envy” – gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.
22. We had another war-related casualty today. France hit the ground when they tried jumping on our bandwagon.
23. Today is April Fool’s Day, the day we traditionally honor the French.
24. The United States Navy is training sea lions to protect our ships. They are teaching sea lions how to find bombs. Sea lions will help us, but the French won’t.
25. What we’re doing, basically, is giving these key Iraqi officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this where we could have used the French.
26. They’re going to use sea lions to guard ships, and they use dolphins to locate mines. In fact, you know the only animal that won’t help out? French poodles.
27. The Air Force tested this thing yesterday in Florida, and the bomb blast was so strong at Disney World 25 French tourists surrendered.
28. British soldiers in the Persian Gulf are complaining that American soldiers have better food then they do. That’s the problem with our NATO allies – the British can fight but can’t cook, the French can cook but can’t fight.
29. Have you heard the latest? You know our “allies of evil,” France – the French foreign minister flew to Africa to persuade Angola, Guinea and Cameroon to drop their support for the U.S., which has gotta be a relief for Hussein. Now he just has to fight the U.S. and British forces. Doesn’t have to sweat out Cameroon.
30. What a crowd! You sound like Saddam Hussein watching France at the U.N.
31. Saddam Hussein has written his autobiography – it’s called “Men and a City.” And here’s a shocker: The reviewers in Baghdad loved it! The only place they love it more – France!
32. According to the tabloids, Michael Jackson is making plans to move to a chateau in France. You thought the French hated us before.
33. This was a front-page story in USA Today – American tourists in Paris report being yelled at, attacked and spit on by the French. So things are finally getting back to normal.
34. According to the latest intelligence reports, Saddam Hussein may have numerous mistresses all over Baghdad. A married man with numerous mistresses … no wonder the French didn’t want to go after him.
35. A member of Canadian Parliament named Carolyn Parrish said she hates Americans and that we are bastards. So my guess is she’s French Canadian.
36. I’m watching the sports news and they had this psychologist on and he said that this strange behavior means that deep down, Mike is afraid to fight. I had no idea he was French, did you?
37. As you know, the French continue to resist the war in Iraq or even help us. And now Bill Clinton has even come out against France. In fact, to show how serious he is, he’s vowed not to French kiss anybody until this thing is settled.
38. It is so cold the French now have another reason to be in bed with the Iraqis.
39. Well, it’s Valentine’s Night, which means right about now millions of couples are doing to each other what the French did to us today at the U.N.
40. Dogs from all over the world are here for the big show – except for the French poodles and the German shepherds. They are both refusing to participate.
41. In France, they’re having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren’t any French words for chat session, and there aren’t any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don’t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant.. (May 4, 2001)